CLM 535 Cost of Healing a Troubled Marriage

From: nlbales@prysm.net

Thu, 4 Dec 1997

Clergy/Leaders' Mail-list No. 535 This appeared in ALL ABOUT FAMILIES, edited by Norman Bales. He wrote: Is divorce the best way out of a troubled marriage? Most of the time, it is not. It's an attractive option to many people because they donAEt want to pay the price of healing. Most marriage troubles can be healed if both parties really want to work at it, but there is a price required. That's the theme of this article. THE COST OF HEALING A TROUBLED MARRIAGE by Norman Bales By the time we had been married 16 years, Ann and I both knew we had a troubled marriage on our hands. We had three options (1) divorce (2) tolerate the pain or (3) fix the trouble. We chose to fix the trouble, but it was not without cost. Quite often I talk with people whose marriages are troubled. Sometimes they ask, "Do you think we can salvage our relationship? The answer is always a qualified "yes." Yes, you can salvage a troubled relationship if both parties truly want to do so and if both of you are willing to pay the price. What is the price? It will cost you time. It may cost you money. The finest investment we made during that period of time was spent in professional Christian counseling and it did not come cheap Two years ago, our car broke down in Arkansas while Ann was on a business trip. It cost us about $400 to get her up and running. What do you think we did? We fixed the car. What happens when the furnace goes out at your house? Don't you get it fixed? What's your course of action when the doctor tells you, you're going to die without surgery? Don't you pay a high price both in terms of money and personal pain? Is your marriage more important than your car? Your furnace? maybe even your health? Of course it is. But if people need to spend money to mend a marriage that needs some repairs, why do they say "we can't afford counseling?" When I hear that objection, I sometimes start looking for some way to find free counseling, but nearly every time I do, I discover that people don't value counseling that doesn't cost them anything. I've also discovered we are willing to pay for the things we truly value. But the greatest cost is neither time nor money. The greatest cost was really laid down by the apostle Paul in Philippians 2:3-4, when he said, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Whether your marriage mess involves infidelity, neglect, miscommunication, abuse, unfulfilled expectations, lack of appreciation, lack of quality time spent together, failure to share work responsibilities, in law troubles, financial problems or anything else that weakens the quality of your relationship, the biggest challenge to your relationship involves your willingness to do what Paul talked about in Philippians 2:3-4. In 1 Corinthians 15:31, Paul said, "I die every day." When two people decide to choose the lifestyle of dying to themselves on a daily basis, they will find the strength to rebuild their troubled marriages. Without it, they will continue in a pattern of unhappiness and disappointment. I will never forget the date. It was leap year and February 29 fell on a Sunday. The pulpit minister was gone. I was the educational minister for the church and usually preached on Sunday when the pulpit man was out of town. But the elders thought the youth minister ought to have a shot at the pulpit once in awhile, so they let him have that Sunday night. He was not a polished speaker, but I still remember what he preached on. He preached on "Dying to Self." Ann was at home with the flu that night, so she didn't hear the sermon. I was deeply moved by his message. I was especially touched with his reference to 1 Corinthians 15:31." I decided that was what I was not doing. I was not dying to myself on a daily basis. I went forward and asked for the prayers of the church because I needed strength that I didn't have to be able to do that. I won't say that I've never let self live since that time, but at least I became aware that self was controlling me and it was killing my marriage. The costliest, most painful lesson I've ever had to learn is dying to self. It's a lesson I'm still in the process of learning, but I've learned enough of it to know that it pays tremendous rewards. _______________________ If you wish to subscribe to All About Families, send a message to aaf@allaboutfamilies.org with the Subject line SUBSCRIBE FAMILY. E-mail: nlbales@prysm.net Web: http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/family ____________________________ Clergy/Leaders' Mailing List (Moderated) This mailing list is open to all Christians via Internet e-mail and most fax destinations. Submissions welcome: clergy@pastornet.net.au To unsubscribe, e-mail to: clergy-request@pastornet.net.au with SUBJECT reading UNSUBSCRIBE Copyright: Postings may be re-sent ONLY with all copyright notifications intact. A PastorNET ministry: manager@pastornet.net.au

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