 | CLM 204 The Art of Listening |
Thu, 13 Jun 1996
Clergy/Leaders' Mail-list No. 204
Not many are good listeners. Perhaps this will help! Rowland.
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THE ART OF LISTENING
Several years ago, Ann and I attended a marriage enrichment seminar.
Afterwards, I asked several couples to tell me which part of the
seminar they found most helpful. Without exception they said, "the
section on communication." Most marriage problems stem from poor
communication. Carl Rogers once said, "The emotionally maladjusted
person, the neurotic is in difficulty first because communication
within himself has broken down and secondly because, as a result of
this, his communication with others has been damaged."
Much of the miscommunication between married couples can be traced to
a failure to listen. Today our objective is to become more sensitive
to the challenge of listening.
DISCUSSION
I. Listening is an extremely difficult discipline.
A. Sometimes people have trouble listening to God. (Matthew
13:14; Acts 7:51; James 1:23-24).
B. Why is it so difficult to be a good listener.
1. Most of us would rather speak than listen. We are more
comfortable in asserting our own opinions, beliefs and
feelings than we are in listening to someone else.
2. Many of us filter the things that other people say
through our own prejudices, opinions and feelings.
3. We find it difficult to listen because we second guess
other people.
a. We do this when we never allow a spouse to put a
period on the end of a sentence.
b. The author of Proverbs exposes the flaw of second
guessing when he writes in Proverbs 18:12,, "He
who answers before listening -- that is his folly
and his shame." - "What a shame - yes how stupid
to decide before knowing the facts." (Living Bible
Paraphrased)
4. Most often we fail to listen, because we are threatened
by what we hear.
a. Such was the case of the men who stoned Stephen
(Acts 7:57).
b. In marriage, we often fear hearing the other
person's suggestion for change.
c. Or perhaps we may be thinking, "if I really
listen, then the other person may really listen
to me and I will be
exposed for what I am."
II. But we must listen.
A. Someone has said, "God gave us one mouth and two ears, which
suggest that we ought to listen twice as much as we talk."
(See James 1:19; Mark 4:24).
B. Why husbands and wives must listen to each other.
1. If you don't listen to your spouse, you are saying that
you don't care what your spouse thinks or feels.
2. Your spouse must be heard if you expect your spouse to
feel respected (Proverbs 27:2). "At all times in
our lives we must have at least one person who cares about us
and who we care for ourselves. If we do not have this
essential person, we will not be able to fulfill our
basic needs." - Dr. William Glasser.
III. Suggestions for improving our listening.
A. Accept the fact that listening is a difficult skill to
acquire.
1. To hear the actual words spoken is one thing. To
understand is something else again.
2. Once I was discussing racial issues with a black
person. At one point in the conversation, I said, "I
know how you feel." He said, "Norman, you can't understand how I
feel unless you can get inside my skin." I've been
very careful about claiming how much I understand ever
since that time.
B. Over ride the tune out button. It seems that men come into
this world equipped with a "tune out" button. The next
time a domestic conversation heats up make a special
effort to hear what was said.
C. Check your listening. You might say something like "Did I
hear you correctly?" "Did you mean to say?" "What I
think you said is this."
D. Be alert to non-verbal signals. (Proverbs 6:17; 15:1).
1. In a 1968 study, Abraham Mehrebian concluded that 93
per cent of our communication is non-verbal and only
7 percent is verbal. Those figures may be open to
question, but in a general sense, they are accurate.
2. If my wife calls me "honey" in a caustic tone of voice,
I'm probably going to hear the sarcasm before I hear
the word, "honey."
3. A husband decided he needed to do a better job of
communicating with his wife. He stopped by a florist,
picked up an expensive bouquet and handed it to his
wife as he entered the door. His only verbal remark
was "here," which he grunted as he handed her the
flowers. He promptly retired to the den and turned on
the television set. She was not impressed and it's
not hard to figure why.
CONCLUSION
It has been said that listening is the cornerstone of all
communication. Listening may be very difficult for you. Sometimes
honest listening can be downright painful, but it will lead you out of
your self-centeredness. It will force you to reconsider your
attitudes. It will start you down the road to the development of a
wholesome relationship and that's surely worth all he trouble and
time. It's a beautiful thing when we learn to break through the
pride, fear and self-centeredness that keeps us from being sensitive
listeners.
You can subscribe to this Family newsletter by sending a message to
mcoc@softdisk.com with the Subject line SUBSCRIBE FAMILY.
Minden Church of Christ
E-mail: nlbales@prysm.net
Web: http://www.softdisk.com/comp/mcoc
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Shalom! Rowland Croucher
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Director, JOHN MARK MINISTRIES
Resources for pastors/leaders & spouses
Tel: 613 9729 2517 Fax: 613 9729 2494
Email: rowlandc@werple.net.au
Home Page: http://www.pastornet.net.au/jmm
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