CLM 516 Marital Conflict: _How_, not _What_, Matters

From: nlbales@prysm.net

Tue, 2 Dec 1997

Clergy/Leaders' Mail-list No. 516 This appeared in ALL ABOUT FAMILIES, edited by Norman Bales, who wrote: IT'S "HOW" NOT "WHAT" THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE IN MARITAL CONFLICT Conventional wisdom normally identifies disagreements over money and sex as the most frequent causes of marital dissolution. If I could locate the people who made these wonderful decisions, I would call for reassembling the convention. Howard J. Markman, a psychologist and director of the Center for Family Studies at the University of Denver, followed 150 couples through several years of marriage. He believes that money and sex are incorrectly blamed for marriage breakups. He's more concerned about the quality of communication. Dr. Daniel O'Leary, a professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, thinks the way married couples go about voicing their disagreements is more important than the issues they discuss. Couples run into trouble when they behave violently toward one another, when they become verbally aggressive or when they frequently threaten divorce. Swearing, insulting, threatening, shouting, slamming doors and leaving the room in a huff are tactics which are most likely to escalate the level of hostility between couples. How can couples handle disagreements and still enjoy marriage satisfaction? Glad you asked. Here's my two cents worth. Actually all my suggestions are just an application of principles Paul taught in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, the great love chapter in the Bible. 1. Stay on the same subject. Do you use such time worn phrases as "Remember that time when you . . .," "Yeah, but you never did . . ., " or "While we're at it let me tell you another thing that gets under my skin." That's hitting below the belt. Stay current and stay focused on one issue. Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs and it is not easily angered. 2. Don't try to be a mind reader. When you say to your spouse, "I know what you're thinking," you display arrogance. In the first place you assume your spouse has a hidden agenda. In the second place your presume to have acquired knowledge of that agenda. Did God open a window into your spouse's brain? I don't think so. In the third place you lack the courtesy to let your spouse speak his or her thoughts. Love is not proud and it's not self seeking. 3. After you've gone over your differences, affirm you love for each other. Dr. O'Leary found that holding hands, kissing and greeting one another warmly on a regular basis had more to do with marital satisfaction than helping with household chores, doing things together and thanking one another for acts of compassion. Love is patient and kind. I don't think you're going to get through very many days of your marriage without some kind of disagreement. That's not the end of the world or your relationship. If you pay more attention to how you disagree than you do the issues, you'll probably come out all right in the end. -------------- SPIRITUAL MATURITY by Nancy Myers Spiritual maturity does not parallel physical maturity. Sometimes, however, it does parallel the wisdom of experience. I think also it is a spiritual gift. Spiritual maturity is caring more about the things of God than you do about the things that please you. Spiritual maturity is trusting God---and being confident of that trust because He has proven himself to you over and over again when you have trusted before. Spiritual maturity is control over the ego that wants to take the credit and get the attention. No telling what we could accomplish for God if we did not care who got the credit. Spiritual maturity is knowing you can talk to God anytime, anywhere as a friend, closer than a friend, without having to wait for a "set" time and a "set" prayer. Spiritual maturity is reading the Word of God with a fresh eye every time and casting away previous conclusions. In short, spiritual maturity is the continuing unfolding in your life of the fruit of the Spirit, Gal. 5:22. -- Nancy Myers myers@cooke.net _______________________ If you wissh to subscribe to All About Families, send a message to aaf@allaboutfamilies.org with the Subject line SUBSCRIBE FAMILY. E-mail: nlbales@prysm.net Web: http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/family ____________________________ Clergy/Leaders' Mailing List (Moderated) This mailing list is open to all Christians via Internet e-mail and most fax destinations. Submissions welcome: clergy@pastornet.net.au To unsubscribe, e-mail to: clergy-request@pastornet.net.au with SUBJECT reading UNSUBSCRIBE Copyright: Postings may be re-sent ONLY with all copyright notifications intact. A PastorNET ministry: manager@pastornet.net.au

Clergy Mailing List Index | Mailing List Index | PastorNET Home Page | John Mark Ministries Home Page