BECOMING A GRAVITATIONAL LIGHTWEIGHT
A few months ago I decided to get fit and lose some weight. After coming to the awesome
conclusion that the way to lose weight was to stop eating as much rubbish, and that
it was a matter of breaking an addiction to food, I started to learn to enjoy being miserable in the hope that I would become less gravitationally challenged. What
I found out was that even when you manage to live miserably enough to enjoy being
less of a threat to gravity, that it doesn't stop there. One little relaxation
leads to another and soon for find that you are packing on the pounds and pressurizing the
scales once again.
Since all critical situations need a tactical response strategy, I have found that
the strategy that seems to leap most readily to the fore is lying. It's so easy
to lie about what you eat and what you have eaten. It seems so easy to tell yourself
that a certain piece of food is just crying out to be eaten. I mean can you imagine a
piece of cheesecake sitting next to a piece of pavlova on my plate. From the moment
they are anything more than a few otherwise unrelated ingredients sitting in an unsuspecting cupboard in someone's kitchen their whole destiny was to be eaten and appreciated
by a consummate gourmet like myself. Can you imagine them going through the struggles
and strains of being simple ugly ingredients and then appearing as a sumptuous plateful of pleasure just waiting for their final destiny to be fulfilled. I mean,
they were born for taste buds like mine. I ask you, can I deny them their very
destiny.
What I mean to say is, that they could find their destiny being totally denied if
they happened to be eaten by one of those "thin-type" people who eat what they like
and never show it. At least when someone like me gobbles up their carnally sensuous
calories, the act is memorialized somewhere around my middle. I mean they take up residence
there and you can tell they are very much at home. Who could deny them this opportunity.
So you see, lies such as these and more seem to rise up in my mind with unbidden
ubiquity.
There are other things that you can do, and I am tempted to write a book on the subject
of how to avoid becoming gravitationally challenged. For example, before you step
on the scales make sure you wash and blow dry your hair so that you get all that
heavy oil off your head. If you are male, make sure you have a very close shave to
avoid heavy whiskers; whatever you do, don't breath in as you step on or you will
have all that heavy atmosphere right inside your lungs and making gravity greedy.
If you have false teeth, make sure you take them out. The same goes for cleaning the wax
out of your ears, cleaning and cutting your nails, blowing your nose and making
sure you are being regular. And be regular before you step on, not after. If you
are really committed you need to open your eyes and hold your arms out straight as you get
on the gravitational challenging recorder because that might set up more wind resistance
as you are pulled horribly downwards toward that fateful registration of terra firma connectedness.
But if all of that fails, I suggest you simply doctor the scales. If that happens
to be outside your moral code, then I have checked with the Bible and there is nothing
in there that says you can't unceremoniously smash the scales to a pulp and put them in the recycling bin.
Next:This is the last page
Index: Table of Contents
Previous:Fathers' Blessing Flows in Kambah and PRAISE CORROBOREE and WORLD WATCH