By Peter Hallett
Published April 24, 2001
It’s a debacle!" said my 15-year-old son, regarding my decision not to allow a particular request. "It doesn’t make any sense."
I tried to further explain my reasoning and my feelings and, to my great relief, he shrugged, smiled and accepted the verdict.
Gone are the days when "no - because I say no" is enough. When the child in question is taller than you, hands you down his shoes (except they are two sizes too big) and exhibits exceptional reasoning ability (practising for a legal career), parenting suddenly lurches into unknown waters.
Perhaps that’s why I found myself up in the middle of the night recently, feverishly reading a book on parenting teenagers. Again to my great relief, it helped!
And why I’ve had a much greater urgency in finding time to talk and listen to my two teenagers, finding out about their activities, school situation and friendships.
Not for the purpose of increased control but for less. Rigid control of a teenager requires less relationship and less trust than does granting increasing accountable freedom. I’m working harder at my teenager relationships so that they can do more without me - as they work through the necessary process of growing in independence and identity.
The more openness and accessibility between teens and parents, the more likely increased freedom can be given responsibly.
My biggest lesson so far is not to overreact. Teenagers have enough hormonal emotion for any family so parents need to stay on top of theirs. A calm response will increase the teen’s respect for their parent, will allow the parent to think more clearly and will keep some "sternness" in reserve for when it is really needed.
Another important lesson has been to recognise that teenagers are capable of simultaneously pushing away at your boundaries, creating tension, and returning to you for desperately needed affirmation and love. That’s why it often feels like a roller coaster ride - it is!
Having been driven mad by one syllable responses such as "Huh?" "Uh-huh" and Wha?" parents of teenagers need to lay aside the temptation to force their young ones to speak and in turn learn to recognise when they are ready, even longing to speak.
Listen for statements such as "By the way..." and questions like "What if..." Don’t jump down their throats but allow time for them to gain confidence that you will deal sensitively with the deeply personal thoughts they are getting around to sharing.
You may notice a greater willingness to talk right before bed time or in the last moments of a trip in the car - this is because teenagers need an escape route, just in case the conversation goes badly.
Parents - take responsibility for your teenagers. Don’t assume you are superfluous. In fact they need you more than ever, despite appearances. Make a point of getting to know their friends - both real and virtual so that there world is not totally divorced from yours.
A special note on the internet - did you know that instant messaging programs such as ICQ allow your teenager to talk to dozens of people at once - all over the world? You should have guidelines for that world too!
The drug awareness advertising campaign has modelled some useful parent-teenager interaction but have you bothered to read the booklet delivered to your door. It’s good value as is another free publication sent out by Centrelink.
Beyond that, Christian bookstores carry many fine books on the topic, such as the one I have been reading, How to Really Love Your Teenager by Dr Ross Campbell. (I read and recommended his book on younger children about 10 years ago - how time flies).
As a fellow-teen-parent, I would be happy to respond to questions mailed or e-mailed to me - Faith to Faith, The Chronicle, PO Box 7155 Canberra Mail Centre, 2610 or faith@pastornet.net.au .