The power of forgiveness

Jesus did it while he was hanging on the cross, and urged us to do the same when he taught us how to pray. Pope John Paul II did it when he visited in prison the man who attempted to assassinate him. Kim Phuc did it when she met the man who dropped napalm on her village inflicted shocking burns to her body. Gladys Staines did it when she expressed mercy towards the Hindu extremists who murdered her husband and two young sons. Most of us will be called on to do it every day if we are going get on with life in relative peace.

Forgiveness is the oil in the engine of life, the rubber on the wheel, the parachute for a falling person.. Where do the analogies end. Forgiveness is what softens, humanises, no, even more -  "Godises" our existence. Without it we would be constantly hurt, disturbed, distracted, and eventually destroyed.

Indeed many people are destroyed - suddenly or insidiously - because of the inability to forgive. Others are heart sick or bodily ill because they are retaining wrong that could be released by the grace of forgiveness.

So what is forgiveness, how can we practice it, what does it do and how do we break seemingly intractable cycles of unforgiveness? Books have been written (a few are mentioned later) but here are a few thoughts to begin with.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is knowing I am forgiven: The knowledge that we are constantly in need of being forgiven ourselves points us in the right direction to forgive others. If you are unable to acknowledge your own faults, mistakes and sins you will be unable to forgive others - but you will be living in deception. In teaching his disciples to pray, Jesus included the phrase: "Forgive us our debts (sins) as we also have forgiven our debtors." (Matt 6:12). He goes on to explain, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (vs 14,15). Jesus is teaching us an important principle. Grace, forgiveness, and restoration, are not isolated acts - neither are sin, resentment and unforgiveness. God relates to us individually but also as in terms of community - that is his nature. If we refuse to offer forgiveness to another, this decision acts like a barrier to God's flow of forgiveness to us. We retain the sin of the other and allow it to continue harming us and we remove ourselves from the place where God can forgive and heal us. Make a sober estimate of your life now and choose to forgive. People have forgiven you during your life and God even more so. His Son gave his life that you might be offered forgiveness. Nothing that has been done against you compares with hurt God suffered at our hands…

Forgiveness is facing reality, not hiding from it: Forgiveness does not treat a wrong as if it didn't matter, didn't hurt and didn't happen. Just the opposite. Forgiveness is the process of the person wronged acknowledging and feeling their hurt, hopefully having the chance to express it to the other party, and then deliberately choosing to lay down any case for continuing anger, resentment and bitterness. Sometimes this has to be achieved without the benefit of being able to confront the other party and so someone to talk through the feelings is vital whether it be a friend, counsellor or minister. Talk and weep before God as well. It does not necessarily mean, in cases of criminal or physical wrong, that restitution or justice is put aside. In many cases the actual debt or punishment needs to follow through for the good of all parties involved. But it does mean the personal emotional and attitudinal debt is cancelled. In my case, I feel I have forgiven whoever murdered my sister - even though we don't know who that was. I no longer carry that wound in my soul - just the sadness of missing her. But I am still very interested in the guilty party/ies coming to justice, partly so that I can practice grace towards them. God has placed that in my heart and can do the same for you.

Forgiveness is breaking the cycle of ungrace: Unforgiveness and the bitterness and anger that come with it always spurn a cycle of ungrace. We see it all the time in places like Northern Ireland, Palestine and the Balkans. A wrong is done, retaliation follows and atrocity mounts. I have seen the same thing happen over suburban backyards and in family feuds and it is no less frightening. If you want to live a better life than this, you must choose to break the cycle. It is a risk, it is vulnerable but it is powerful. And even if the other person shuns your advances, you win because their past wrongs can no longer trouble your sleep, aggravate your blood pressure or cause you to cross over to the other side of the street. You must live out your forgiveness and treat the other person as if they are no longer an enemy. Why should you act as if there is a problem when you have put an end to it? This will quickly challenge and shake their resolve to be unforgiving.

Forgiveness is loosening the cords of guilt in the perpetrator: It is amazing how often, when someone is forgiven, it releases grace in their life to change in the very area they enacted wrong before. An amazing recent example was of Klu Klux Klan Grand Dragon Larry Trapp who renounced his hatred, tore down his Nazi flags and spent his last days seeking forgiveness. Why? Because a Jewish cantor and his family responded with compassion to Trapp despite his racist and abusive leaflets, threats and violence. As Lewis Smedes puts it: "When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his hurtful act. You recreate him. At one moment you identify him ineradicably as the person who did you wrong. The next moment you change that identity. He is remade in your memory. You think of him now not as the person who hurt you, but a person who needs you."  (As quoted by P Yancey in What's So Amazing About Grace).

Be convinced. Choose to forgive. It is a process not an event. But once it is complete it is final. Forgiveness in the Bible means to hurl away, remove from yourself wrong. Resentment means to feel again. That is your choice. To hurl away wrong or feel it again and again. The major source of stress in our workplaces is not busyness or pressure but resentment and bitterness.  Forgiveness, scandalous as it may seem at times, is the God-given answer.

Some reading resources
Matthew 5:38-6:15;  Colossians 3:13-14; Ephesians 4:31-32. What's So Amazing About Grace? Philip Yancey, Zondervan, 1997.  Shame & Grace Lewis B Smedes, Harper Collins 1993. Many other fine resources are available in your Christian bookstore.

Back to start page