Coping with Grief

Grief is usually associated with the death of someone close but it may also be experienced as the result of other losses such as separation, divorce, retrenchment, restructuring of work places, a house move and the loss felt because of failed expectations.
Most people are usually able to cope with these reactions and work through their grief on their own. Some, however, find they have trouble reducing their feelings about their loss and this may hinder their ability to complete the tasks of mourning and thus resume a normal life. It is okay to seek help and counselling will usually enable an effective resolution.
The process of grieving is something which every bereaved person passes through. The phases are not clear-cut but in normal grief four stages are experienced.
First comes the initial shock and numbness when it is impossible to fully grasp what has happened. Despite an outburst of emotion the death or loss is not accepted and the bereaved person will act as though it had not happened. This stage may last for minutes, days or even weeks.
The second phase is one of protest and anger. There is intense pining although the loss is not yet fully realised. The bereaved person may think that they see the loved one or hear their  voice. This illusion is a normal response. There is an intense yearning to find the lost person again and therefore the bereaved may visit places which recall happy memories.
This phase sometimes includes physical disturbances of weakness, difficulty in breathing, localised pains, etc. There is real anger too since the person was loved and depended upon. The bereaved may feel angry towards God. There may be an irrational feeling of anger that the person who died did not take better care of themselves.
Stage three is one of despair and disorganisation. The loss is accepted as final and irretrievable; there can be no relationship with the dead person in this life. Much ordinary behaviour affected by the death or loss is disorganised.
Sadness mounts and the bereaved person needs much help. They go over and over again in their minds the details of the death and loss and in so doing come to terms with it. The person lost now takes a place in memory as a real person with whom a real relationship was enjoyed. It is to be hoped that there will be no idolising or idealising of the person now dead.
Guilt may be experienced at this point too because the bereaved person thinks they could have done more to help or could have patched up quarrels or differences.
The fourth stage sees the bereaved person accepting the world again. The acute stages have taken about three months to pass. Of course definite sadness and loneliness remain and there will still be times of depression which will be worse at birthdays and anniversaries.

Grief counsellors speak of four tasks of mourning:
1. Accept the reality of the loss.
2. Work through the pain of grief.
3. Adjust to the environment where the deceased is missing.
4. Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.
The tasks approach implies that the mourner needs to take action and can do something to help themselves. It gives the mourner some sense of leverage and hope. (By Ron Willard, Jacob's Well)

Recommended counsellors include I.T.I.M,PO Box 5, Fisher 2611, 2880331; Ian Manton, 16 Mahony Court, Weston, 2611, 2871233. VOCAL (Victims of Crime Assistance League) will provide support and advice for the family of those affected by crime - 2959600. Most funeral agencies can also over competent grief counselling and a variety of self-help groups exist and their meetings are regular advertised in the community notice sections of The Chronicle and other newspapers. Your local minister or priest will also be able to help or refer you to an appropriate service. Remember - it's okay to seek help!

Why doesn't God stop terrible things from happening?

These are my thoughts on this topic. The God of the Bible created a perfect world and part of that perfection was a being created specifically in his image. Genesis tells us he created man and woman in his image (Genesis 1: 27).
Why? Because God is love (1 John 4:7,8) and he desired a relationship of love from a being that was capable of choosing to love him back. So part of our make up is free will, freedom to choose. God longs for each of us to use this gift of dominion (Genesis 1:28) to love him and relate to him.
Of course love is only real if it is a free choice, we all know that, and choice is only real if there is a real alternative. Hence the amazing dichotomy we see in life were human beings are so capable of good and yet so amazingly capable of doing evil.
God could remove free will, make us all robots and so end evil. But this would also end real love and creation would be pointless.
So instead, the Bible teaches, God entered time and space as a baby, known as Jesus, exemplified love, and died even though he was perfect in the way he lived.
His death in effect pays the price for all the times we choose against God, and gives us access to him.
His resurrection wins for us a final victory over death. And he promises that His Spirit will inhabit our lives so strengthening us to live in the character of God.
These thoughts are the basic tenets of the Christian faith as taught by Christ and his followers.
How should you respond? By putting your life in God's hands through Jesus, seeking his character to be displayed through your life and praying that others would do likewise. This is basically what it means to be a Christian. If you would like further assistance with this please write to me again or visit your local church or Christian friend and discuss it with them.

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