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However, I think it is important to try to answer the question, because it focuses me on the fundamentals of my belief structures and it also, hopefully, gives outside inquirers something to think about in relation to their own belief structures.
This is important because the principles behind Christian beliefs are fundamental to the way we all live and even to the purpose for our existence. If these principles are true, and I believe they are, then society, in general, has missed the boat in terms of the philosophies it espouses and it (we) needs to stand up, listen and change its (our) ways.
I was "born into" the Roman Catholic faith, (ie. both my parents were Catholics and I was baptised (initiated) into the Catholic Church as a baby). My parents and my teachers tried to instill in me strong values of right and wrong and, at the same time, related these values to the teachings of the Catholic Church.
While I accepted the values, as I grew older I found that I could not as easily accept many of the teachings. It seemed to me that there was an imposition of rules and regulations that flew in the face of the value of Freedom. There was no freedom of choice in what I could do, the Church had already made the choice for me! And, if I didn't do things "their way", I would be in a lot of trouble with God!
This attitude of stifling regimentation finally led me, in my late teens, to decide that the Church was hopelessly out of touch with reality and its belief structures were not worth the effort. I immersed myself in the pleasures of life and rejected all belief in God.
Fundamental to the rest of the story, is that, deep in my subconscious, I was feeling rejected myself. When later I examined my attitudes at this time, I discovered that nowhere, it seemed, was I accepted for who I was and who I wanted to be. From my parents, my teachers, the religious leaders and my friends I experienced a lack of belonging and a sense of being let down, sometimes with a thud! My self esteem was fragile and I found my bravado in "acting tough", smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol to a point where I became an alcoholic. This, of course, led me to have a false attitude about who I was and, when those who really cared for me, particularly my wife, tried to call me out of this falseness, I took this as rejection as well.
The turning point in my life came not long after I married and moved from Sydney to Canberra. We bought a house in a fairly new suburb and settled into middle-class life.
A knock at the door one day revealed this elderly man with crosses on his collar who was doing a door-knock of new residents. My defence mechanisms were swiftly put in place as we invited him in. To this day, I do not know why we invited him in. Normally I would just say "not interested mate" and close the door. But he was so unassuming and harmless looking.
Anyway, he said that he belonged to the Catholic Church up on the hill and was doing a kind of census of new Catholic residents in the suburb. Were we Catholics? Well, technically, yes, but we don't believe in that stuff any more. "That's OK," he said. "I understand."
What!?
Something inside me broke. For the first time in my life, someone accepts me right where I am at! Someone from "The Church!" No "buts" or "maybes" just an "OK." I was dumbfounded. Inside, my senses were reeling. Outside, I politely led him to the door and said goodbye. What was I to make of this?
You must understand that this man represented to me a belief structure that was totally off the track. I saw "religion" as a crutch for those who needed some sort of support. I didn't need any support. I was doing very well on my (hic, cough) own, thanks. And besides, the Church was full of regimentation and "do this or else" stuff. Wasn't it?
Now, here was this representative of archaism and anarchy telling me that I was OK. I was drawn to him like a magnet. I might have accepted his attitude a bit more matter-of-factly had he not been so old. I mean, young up-coming clergy with modern views might say "OK" or, translated, "who gives a damn?" But this man was of the old guard. He was at least sixty. He could have taught my mother, with all those archaic attitudes flowing from his ancient lips. Something had changed in the Church and I wanted to find out what it was.
We started going back to Church on Sundays. Unexpectedly, instead of the usual moronic attitudes we had come to despise, most of the people were warm and friendly. We quickly made new friends and found ourselves almost overwhelmed by genuine concern and understanding.
And the Mass (special Catholic worship) was not the boring emptiness we had left behind so many years ago. The priests were actually *leading* people in praise and worship of God! So different from the dictatorship we had known.
Why was this? Had we made a mistake? Is there truth in the persistent attitude that God exists?
There were no lightning bolts or sudden warm fuzzies to our conversion experience, but we felt ourselves being drawn into what I can only describe as an encounter with something beyond human relationships. It was an encounter that went deep into our psyche and touched the very core of our being. For me, it was like the opening up of a door and looking out into a vast (in fact infinite) expanse of understanding.
Nobody indoctrinated me. I wasn't looking for a crutch or support for some tragedy in my life. I walked in with my eyes (half) open looking to find out what these people were on about. I found God. More specifically, I found what Christians call the Holy Spirit.
For those with a doctrinal bent, the Holy Spirit is the third Person of the Trinity of Persons known as God. The Holy Spirit is the Power of Love between the First Person (Father, Creator) and the Second Person (Son, Word, Redeemer). If you really want to go down that track, read the Dogma of the Holy Trinity in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.
Whatever the theological arguments, I realised that I was experiencing something that couldn't be explained away and that, most definitely, was not being directed by any of the priests or people that we had met at Church. Sure, they spoke to us about their experiences and showed us how these related to writings of the early Christians, but the experiences that I was having were very personal and very profound.
They touched me at the core of my being and I began to realise that I could not just walk away from this as I had in the past, or like you would walk away from a movie. This was a life changing experience in that I was brought face to face with Truth - truth about myself as a human being and as a person, and truth about belief. I found myself having to make a decision which would change my life forever.
I will tell you straightup, it was an easy decision to make. The love, peace and acceptance that I discovered in God is something I don't think anyone can walk away from once they have truly experienced it.
My life since that time has been one big experience. An experience of discovering more deeply the power of God in my life and responding to it. Sure I have had my moments when disbelief has come in and when I have struggled with my former attitudes, but in those times I have soon felt the Presence of the Holy Spirit showing me the Truth once again.
I invite anyone who reads this to have an experience of God. It *is* for everybody. You will find God in the love and acceptance of Christians. You may not do so immediately, but if you search with an open mind, looking for the Truth (not your own concept of the truth!) you will find it.
And may God bless you in your search.
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